Time just seems to fly by, and it’s hard to believe it’s already the end of Wednesday.  Tuesday was a busy day at work, and today I managed to get a handle on a particular technique that I haven’t yet had to work with.  So I’ve been wrapping my brain around flow cytometry, which has been a lot of fun. Now I am moving from just understanding the general principles to much more specific — and hopefully enough to use it in my job as a tech support rep.
But it’s interesting too, I was sitting and having lunch in the lunchroom and some of the reps came over and joined me. I don’t envy them, given that I was in their position in my last job — and hated it.  But they have such an air of self assurance and confidence. This is a very good thing, but it reminds me of what I’m working on and makes it ever apparent to me just what I’m lacking. Not that they made me feel 2cm tall, far from it — they chose to sit and chat with me — but that it reminded me of my own battered and bruised spirit that is working on healing and how I didn’t feel confident and self assured. This isn’t about the job or knowing my stuff, it’s about ‘me’. If that makes any sense.
That’s part of the journey I’m immersed in right now. I’ve had a bunch of stressful things happen in recent months, and I’ve had some things that have shaped who I am  — likely going back to childhood.  I’ve started going to counselling for it and I’m learning things about myself and I’m working through some of these things.  But for now I’m very reticent of being open and vulnterable, and makes me seal myself off emotionally. I’ve begun to realize that this has led to my perpetual single-ness. I’m open and vulnerable when I know a guy is ‘safe’.  IE it is clear in both our minds that it’s just friends and that tension is not there.  But if a guy’s a friend and that hasn’t been fully defined, I put up walls. I also notice that when I’m in a time like I am right now, of feeling very bruised (it’s been a rough couple of months relationally), I put up those walls so much that I hardly meet new people. And it’s pretty hard to find a guy (eventually) if I won’t meet any new people… 😛
Anyhow, some of my meandering thoughts to process for the next couple of weeks involves me trying to think of what’s gone on in my life that has led me to this place. Part of how I feel — and the bruising (a stressful event happened that I prefer not to go into) that I’ve got has made these feelings intensify. But, they go back to my past. So part of these next few weeks involves me exploring what has brought me to this place of not feeling good enough and afraid to be vulnerable.
In fact, I find my feelings around blogging interesting. My other blog, one of my best friends didn’t have the link to it. Until we were chatting last night.  I will give her the link to this blog once I’ve finalized the transition from my old blog. That being said, I have always appreciated knowing that people are following my blog and are giving me feedback. I have posted this blog to be shared, so I do hope it’s getting read. If you are reading this, I’d love to hear what you think.