I don’t even know where to begin this post but I know the need to write so continue with me as I try to make sense of all that is going on with me right this moment.
But, every level, yes. Pain on every level of my being. Let’s start with the easy one, shall we? The one I can make sense of…

Physical

I’ve had a knot in my back that I’ve been complaining of, the last few weeks. It all started with a horrible cough at work, a couple of weeks ago. It was agonizing and created a pain in my ribs that just killed.  But there wasn’t much I could do about it, so I carried on. It didn’t actually hurt all that much while dancing, though walking quickly hurt (which has kept me from running), and being out of breath felt like I was missing a lung. After ECBF, the pain worsened and worsened. I knew I had a chiropractor’s appointment set for last night, so I asked for — and received — lots of back massages, pain killers and the like.
Monday night, one of my friends was trying to help me out, felt the ‘knot’ and commented that it didn’t feel like muscle, it felt more like bone. Turns out that this friend was right. I had not one, not two but three ribs dislocated. FROM COUGHING!!! Yes. Coughing.  It was, of course, likely made worse by dancing and not getting it looked at right away, but it really didn’t feel ‘dislocated’ it felt more like a muscle pull at first.
Going to my chiropractor last night was good, but unlike my usual visits, this one was in pain. I couldn’t lie on my back, and on my front I couldn’t get myself up without help after he popped the ribs back in.  After the ribs were put back into place, my back started spasming, and reacting to the movement and the pain in the front (where it initiated) returned.
Getting home from the chiropractor’s was interesting to say the least. I think I swore every single time I had to turn my body. But I made it, and immediately took painkillers to ward off the spasms.  After taking everything I could, without OD’ing or being unsafe (including 2 shots of vodka), I was still in agony. This morning I woke up, took the day off of work, went to my chiropractor and spent the rest of the day passed out on my sofa. Two ribs had to be put back in today.

Emotional

My life has been in flux lately. And as it’s been so, I’ve tried to be respectful of the situation, by being fairly vague here. I’m sure most people have figured out that it relates to a guy.  He’s someone I’m close to — or have been prior to now — he’s probably my closest guy friend. He’s also in a messy place. He’s finally being forced to deal with a breakup that happened a long time ago.  But the problem is that we started to get together. And, quietly, have been together. No one has known about it (except for certain friends).  We weren’t ‘defined’ as in a relationship, per se, but we were together. Things were in flux because he’s been at a very messy place. Isn’t ready to be in a ‘relationship’. I recognize this and wasn’t expecting anything more than ‘flux’ for quite a while.
But then Monday came. That messed him up, and after a long chat with his ex last night he was pretty angry, pained, angry at himself for putting me in this position, wishing for it to be back to where it was before we got together. So he ended things. Wants them to be as they always were, and no ‘flux’.  The problem was, he did this when I was in the throes of back pain. Which didn’t help. I’m terrible at asking for support, and I’d tried everything else. The pain was intense. So I called him to ask for help. And the response I got was this. I asked him if he ever wanted to address things with me again, or if this door was being closed forever and I again didn’t get a straight answer out of him. The answer I got was that he didn’t see it being possible that he’d ever be over his emotions relating to his ex. This frustrates me because I deal best with straight answers. If he’d said ‘no, it’s done forever’ then ties are cut and I’m forced to move on. If he’d said ‘yes’ then we can have further conversations. As it is currently he wants what was always there. He said he wants me to be around, usual activities we do together is fine as it always was.
The problem is? For me, had what always was stayed in place and had we not started down this pathway I could have continued in what always was for a very long time. But now? I don’t know that I can go back. At least not right now. Because the reality is that any feelings that I had for him that had been boxed up were blown wide open. Regardless of what he thinks, I will always be in the middle — at least until I move on. And the real heartbreak will happen if he moves on, even if it’s a fling, and we don’t have a chance ever to find out if we’d really be good together.
So at the moment, I’m sad. My body’s hurting. But I’m not crushed, I’m not even afraid or worried. I have this strange sense of peace at the moment that I can’t explain. It feels irrational, weird and almost ridiculous given the current state of affairs. But it’s there.
I do know that this is the last straw. I’ve thought it for a while. As a result, I wont dance in Vancouver again for a while. I’ll work the door, as promised, tomorrow but after that’s over, I’m going to leave. My back hurts anyhow, and I hurt too much to see him. So I’m done. This added to the idiot situation of Hallowe’en means I’m done. When January rolls around I will reconsider my involvement then, but for December I will fill my time with other things. I will still dance in Seattle, I’m not planning on giving it up completely, and I may move to Westie when there’s a dance happening and I want to dance but not with my usual crowd.
So for those dancers who are reading this blog, please keep this quiet. If you think you know who I’m talking about, PLEASE PLEASE keep it to yourself. There aren’t many dancers who read this, but you never know.

Spiritual

Yes, this affects things for me spiritually. Understanding more about who I am is good, but not understanding what this means for my life is not good. I’d said that this situation was the last. The one before was supposed to be the last but this one unexpectedly cropped up. I don’t feel done with the situation, so I don’t feel done dealing spiritually. But, I may be. I can’t make sense of these emotions right at the moment. Too much pain to process this part.
PS. I’ve got this post unlocked at the moment, because I know a couple of you are wondering what’s really going on with me at the moment. I will be password protecting it on Saturday with Heart as the password. Anyone who’s seen this post so far is welcome to read it agan, in the future it’s also okay I just don’t want it randomly available for anyone to read.
Update Many Months later: I’ve moved on 100% and feel comfortable sharing how I felt without passwords. It’s unlocked.